Last night, after a full (and very tiring, esp. for the boys) day of moving stuff into my new apartment, Conrad, Jace, Erin and I went out to eat at Red Lobster, partially paid for by gift cards from Conrad's parents. We laughed, made a scene and ate a TON of food. Then it was back to my new pad to play a game of Risk.

You should know this about me: I don't like to lose. I'm a very bad loser, in fact. I'm super-competitive. You should know this about Conrad: he ALWAYS wins. It doesn't matter what game. ALWAYS. He's got a horseshoe up his ass. He's also quite a viscious competitor.

So: sore loser April + ruthless, always-winning Conrad =  a completely senseless fight, every single time we play against one another.

So after the game was put away last night, we looked at each other and agreed to never play again. At least not against one another. Together, we're unstoppable. 

"You are very new in the ways of salvation, and think you have lost your way. Your way is lost, but think not this is loss."

I opened the book last night. I spent maybe ten minutes just flipping through it, and a great fear came over me. I said to Conrad, "I'm not ready for this." He said, "well, you don't have to do it until you are ready." He is right. But there's this:

"This is the time for faith. You let this goal be set for you. That was an act of faith. Do not abandon faith, now that the rewards of faith are being introduced." Also, "a sense of aimlessness will come to haunt you, and to remind you of all the ways you once sought for satisfaction and thought you found it. Forget not now the misery you really found, and do not breathe life into your failing ego."

Robert said to me yesterday that The Course will find you when you are ready for it. So be it.

This has been the most stressful year of my life, and I'm so happy that a new one starts in just two days.

It was a year and a half ago that I began to work at the Black Pit of Doom. On my first day there, I met a kind man named Robert, who as far as I can guess is probably about 60 years old. I instantly found him very intriguing. For me, he was just the kind of person that you know you could be friends with, or have a lot in common with, but you don't really know why. I wanted to learn more about Robert, but he is very private and almost evasive in the way he answers questions about himself. So in a year and a half of working together, I only know a handful of details about him personally. He, however, was always very interested in talking to me and we would have pleasant, if superficial, conversations.

Now, those of you who know me personally know that I've been on a sort of spiritual quest as of late (say, the last year or so). I have come to realize that the ultimate source of my unhappiness is a spritual sickness, a separation from God, and a tendency to look outside of myself, especially to other people, to try and fill this void. Long story short, that doesn't work, and I've been seeking a way to mend this spiritual rift that I have with my true self and with my Higher Power. One way that I've been doing that is by reading. I found a book which I really connected with, which addresses this issue from a spiritual perspective as "the human condition;" i.e. the result of The Fall, ect. It is Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition by Charles L. Whitfield. Fascinating and practical, the book has given me some information on what the problem of co-dependency is and how what recovery means. For further spiritual insight, the book references and recommends on several occasions A Course In Miracles, an anonomously written book published by the Foundation for Inner Peace. I decided that I would buy this book before I quit working at the Black Pit of Doom. 

Fast-forward to today, my last day EVER working at the Black Pit of Doom (yay! As a side note, I discussed with Conrad yesterday that my job was really not that bad, it was just my attitude towards the job and the associations I made to it.) I came in this morning and immediately went to my information terminal to look up the book and see if we had it. The computer pulled up many different versions and printings as well as some supplemental literature. At that moment, I was called away from the computer by some other task and Robert walked back into my department to "wish [me] a fond farewell" and also to use my computer. He walked over to it and said, "who's looking for A Course In Miracles?" I said that I was, and he said, "It's one of my favorite books. I've read that book probably half a dozen times and when I found it, I felt like I finally found what I'd been looking for all my life. It really changed me."

"Strange that you would seek that book on the last day you're here," he said as he walked off.

I wrote him a card and left my contact info. I hope that this is not the last time we speak. I haven't opened the book yet, but I think all this bodes well for what it might reveal. How fateful. I'm getting all Lost on you guys now.