Keep me, company
A few weeks ago, I officially became a member of the Canopy Studio Repertory Company. Even though I know I deserve it and I've been working very hard to get it for several years, I still feel the need to prove myself. I know that people are asked into the company for different reasons; I suspect that some of the reasons I was asked were my enthusiasm, artistry and work ethic. However, there's a glaring weakness, at least to me, on my aerial dance resume--my physical strength.
I've never been what you would describe as "strong." Never once in my life have I been able to do a pull-up, a feat most of my peers in the company could repeat a dozen or more times, and my body is naturally waifish--thin, willowy, light bone structure--an ectomorph if there ever was one. Though my body has changed a lot since I started doing trapeze in 2004, I have to fight for every ounce of muscle I gain. It's just not how I'm built.
I hired a physical trainer specifically to help me develop strength quickly, since my classes at the studio wouldn't be classified strictly as a workout. But even though I'm trying really hard to gain strength, sometimes I just feel so frustrated and insecure about it. Tonight in my fabrics (which are by far the most strength-based of the aerial apparati) class I had trouble doing a move that I've had trouble with for about six months. It's ridiculous to me. I know I can do it--I've done it many times before, but just as many times I've had such a freaking struggle getting my legs up over my head.
One of the most embarrassing things about this situation to me is that my colleagues in the company are my teachers in the fabrics class. It's really hard to switch from being on a supposedly level playing field one night to taking criticism and instruction from those people the next night. And it's not as if I am delusional enough to think I don't need instruction--far from it! It's just that it is extremely hard to shed that subordinate role when you're trying to work side-by-side with the same people the next day.
Mostly, I just want to show the older members of the company that I deserve a place amongst them; that I have a lot to contribute and that I'll pull my weight (pun intended). Or maybe I just need to be confident in the director's decision to invite me to join.
Isn't it bizarre how accomplishment can have so little effect on confidence?
April
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