I wouldn't have to write this if people weren't so abominally stupid.
In the grand scheme, I know that the things I tend to get riled up about are pretty inconsequential. You know, teens with pubic topiary, prom dresses that show ass crack, etc. People are dying in war, after all. Global warming is going to crush our puny human selves. I know these things and I think about them every day, because they are important, and I struggle with them, trying to reconcile my choices with my beliefs. But sometimes. SOMETIMES something seemingly inconsequential and at the same time impossibly ridiculous wanders into my awareness that I have to turn my full and complete attention to it. And so now, I would like to talk to you about Anal Bleaching.
Thanks to an informative advertisement in Atlanta Magazine, I was recently made aware that One can get One's Anus Bleached. Firstly, Um. And secondly, what the fuck? I can't remember the last time I took a good look at my own anus, but I can tell you that the only time it would be logical to be worried about the color of that area would be if say, it were covered in red blisters.
I am really offended by the notion that plastic surgeons are so greedy that they're making up things for us to be worried about. Not only can you have your breasts augmented, your wrinkles erased, your calves implanted, your tummy sucked and your lips plumped, but, hey! You there, with the darkened butthole! You can have that fixed, you know!
Or maybe it's the mainstream acceptance of pornography that has people thinking about how they'd look flexing their sphincter under stage lights. I brought up Anal Bleaching to Julia and she was all bemused, like, How could you have never heard of Anal Bleaching? She said it's for porn stars and they do it on Nip/Tuck 90210 Ink or some show. Even if porn is the impetus behind (ha, ha?) this craziness, I still can't imagine someone watching Anal Sluts & Sweethearts and going, "well, this is OK, but what would really do it for me is if her butthole were a little bit whiter."
I was talking about this with Conrad last night and he was like, "how the hell do they do that procedure?" Which naturally led to a discussion of maintenance and whether touch-ups would be necessary.
"They'll probably come out with an at-home anal bleaching kit, for convenience," I said.
"Ha, yeah, it'll be like the Preparation H Anal Bleaching Strip!"
"Conrad, that would never work. It's the Anal Bleaching Ring."
"Up to three shades lighter!"
April
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are you on facebook? I joined the cult.