I told you so
We leave early in the morning on our way to Hilton Head Island. A few miles out of town, Conrad stops the car at a gas station to get something to drink. He comes out with an orange juice for me and an energy drink, "Xtreme Shock," for himself. When we're traveling especially, he loves energy drinks. I honestly think the stupider the name, the more interested he is in drinking them. They probably have one called Thunder Cock, and he's probably tried it. I think they're disgusting. Not only are their marketing strategies really obnoxious and retarded, they smell like stinky chemicals, just really unnatural. I always complain when he drinks them.
About 20 miles down the road, Conrad starts scratching himself. First his head, then his stomach, then his back. He turns to me. "Do my ears look really red to you?" he asks. Not really, I say.
"They are burning like they're on fire! I think I have a fever." He scratches some more, and cranks up the A/C. Suspicious, I pull the discarded energy drink bottle out of the bag we have for road trash. I find the label quite illuminating. Bolding my own.
"FEEL THE ENERGY SENSATION DRINK THAT ROCKS!!!" it reads. "Get super-charged with the world's first 'Energy Sensation' drink that amps your body with unlimited energy. Whatever you're doing, you'll do it with more intensity and stamina with Xtreme Shock.
Xtreme Shock, the coolest drink on earth, may provide a temporary flush and/or tingling sensation as it increases your energy level.
Do not use this product if you are pregnant or nursing. Not recommended for children or if you are sensitive to caffeine. Each serving contains 200mg of caffeine, about as much caffeine as 2 cups of coffee. Limit 3 bottles per day. Shake well before use.
*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."
I read this to Conrad.
"WHAT?" he screams. "That should be illegal! I feel like I need to take off all my clothes! This feels HORRIBLE!"
Let the record show that I resist the urge to laugh.
April
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