And so this is Christmas
I had so many images and plans in my head. Visions of what this Christmas would look like. The expectations were high--are high--since it's the first Christmas Conrad and I will spend "together." As in, wake up in the same toasty-warm bed and run downstairs to see what Santa left in our stockings. We're also approaching our one-year wedding anniversary. ONE YEAR. My god, has it really been that long? I remember when I was younger, grown-ups would say, "when you're an adult, the years just fly by, and you look up, and ten years have passed." It was hard to imagine that would ever, ever happen. Back then, summers lasted for decades and the time between the first day of school and winter holidays seemed infinite. There was just so much time to spend, it was practically decadent. Now I sit down at my desk at work and see projects that I've been working on for months and think, I just started that. I just a moment ago started that project. I think this means I am an adult. I can see the years of my life flying headlong at me, hurtling me into old age.
This holiday season has been strange. Good, but bad, too. The worst of the bad is a spate of health issues on my Dad's side of the family: Christy, my cousin Greg's new wife, goes in to the hospital tomorrow to start an intense week of chemotherapy before her bone marrow transplant on December 28. And last week, my Grandma (Dad's mom) fell and broke her hip. She's been in the hospital since then, and is now in a rehab facility, and she won't be able to join us for Christmas Eve, as she has every Christmas Eve of my life. And Granddaddy says he doesn't want to come if Grandma can't. It's so hard to be merry and bright when people I love so much are scared and sick.
And yet, I've spent a lot of time doing things that are fun and wonderful and special and festive. We've been to dinner with couples we love hanging out with, I went roller skating with one of my favorite girls, we decorated the condo with (most) everything I wanted to do, my awesome sister-in-law came down for a special craft day, we played fun games with my family, we saw a cheesy holiday musicale, we went to several beautiful parties. And we just purchased our condo--our first home!--a big, wonderful thing. I feel hyperaware of how complex life is right now. How the beautiful world can turn upside down in an instant (does it ever NOT turn upside down in an instant?). How very, very blessed we are ... and how thankful I am to have love in our lives that is constant despite the circumstances we're in.
I always found it disgusting to suggest that God puts people through trials and pain to "teach them lessons" about how to appreciate what they have. I don't think God works that way. And yet, I'm thankful that it's sometimes a byproduct of those trials. And this Christmas, I'm opening myself to that realization, and hoping that when my trials come, the gratitude will already be there, filling up my heart.
April
3 Comments
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (3)